If you are the primary care giver for your home and there are others in your household, I hope you are not doing all the work yourself. You're not doing the others any favors by sparing them this good, honest work. Everyone needs to have an understanding of what it takes to get a person through their day. If a person walks on the floor, pulls food from the fridge or wears clothes they need to "get it" that they contribute to the dirt on the floor therefore they should contribute to cleaning the floor, they need to take their turn cleaning the fridge and of course they need to wash their own clothes. I'm going to offer some suggestions for getting everyone in your household to do their fair share of housekeeping. But first I'll list a few great, sweeping generalities concerning human psychology. I'll link to websites that I have found helpful.
* it has only been a couple generations since one of the dominate family dynamics was fear. For instance, parents raised children using fear as the primary motivator for good behavior. Wives were afraid to displease their husbands for fear of punishment or abandonment, etc. Husbands were afraid that all their hard work was going unappreciated or wasn't enough. Mothers didn't discipline their half grown sons for fear of backlash. Fathers didn't allow their daughters to socialize for fear of her being seduced away or for bringing shame to herself and the family. Fear as the primary tool in family dynamics doesn't fly anymore in a civilized society and is gradually being replaced with a general understanding of human psychology. It's a long slow process, especially since human psychology isn't taught until college (so few of us get there) or until you reach a crisis and end up in counselling (so many of us do get there and many more need it and never get it). Fortunately, we are all much more similar than dissimilar and there are many commonalities which pertain to all human beings. There are lots of great books on the topic of psychology so it's up to each of us to educate ourselves and try to leave fear mongering and being fearful behind. Here are a few concepts that seem to common to us all.
* anyone well rewarded will continue that behavior and anyone only punished for bad behavior will soon make their goal "to avoid" punishment instead of "to do" the desired behavior. Even worse, anyone may begin to expect punishment and accept it as deserved or inevitable.
* human beings naturally seek emotional safety and comfort of the family. That is what gives us the confidence to express our individuality. Generally, everyone wants to know what benefit they have for the group. Being confident that they are helpful and useful through their efforts creates self esteem, exercises the mind and social skills and decreases the risk of anxiety and depression. "Raising Compassionate, Courageous Children in a Violent World" by Janice Cohn, PhD is a good resource and is quoted at WebMD. http://www.webmd.com/parenting/features/chores-for-children
* since home and family provide the safety and comfort we all need, it often happens that people behave very differently at home or in the company of their family than they do out in the big world. Everyone has a more adult aspect of themselves and an immature, "baby self". When we are safe and comfortable, the baby self that has been sorely put upon all day by the big world comes out and whines and cries or shuts themselves off to pout. This is especially true of those going through a stressful transition such as: losing your job and looking for work, having to accept aging whether you are no longer a kid and now have responsibilities or are no longer able to work as hard as you used to. This must be where "you always hurt the ones you love" comes from. The rest of the family have to trust that this baby self isn't the whole person and give them what they need to vent, either personal and conversational space, your attention and compassion, etc. to get past it. If this baby self persists into real anger, depression or some other extreme, the family needs to get more serious about finding the cause and the cure. This is especially true of teens going through adolescence. Anthony Wolf's book "I'd Listen to my Parents if They'd Just Shut Up" is a great resource. I read this one cover to cover. http://www.anthonywolf.com/index.php?page=books
* There has to be a family culture of rules and these are different from chores. Everybody must obey all the rules. "Use indoor voices when you are indoors","Putting stuff away when you are done with them", "Turn off electrical appliances when you are done with them and turning off lights when you leave the room" are rules. I'd say established bedtimes are one of the few rules that don't apply to everyone equally but they are rules that need to be followed. Parents get to make the rules not because "they are always right" nor because "might makes right" but because they ARE the Parents. Parents are not always right but they are The Parents and that is what gives them the right to decide the rules. It's their job, their responsibility and their decisions are based on love, experience, necessity, maturity and economics. There is no better way to describe it. Once you get the rules established and your role as Parent and that you are committed to being the best parent you can be are understood, then the more democratic process of dividing up the chores can begin. (democratic -as defined by "being available to the masses and favoring social equality")
So, now I'll get more specific about getting help with the household chores.
* Visible chore charts are a very useful tool and I suggest they be home made and the family as a group help make it. That way it's clear to everyone that this is a family event. Also, if Dad for instance works long and hard out in the big world, he may get a pass on most chores, but he will still have to abide by the "put stuff away when you're done with it" rule. If everyone is having their input respected, then everyone will be on board with who gets the pass and who does what and how often. There are two basic schools of thought on chores for the big kids and adults. Each person do what they are best at and do it all the time or each person takes a turn at each chore even if they suck at it. I like the latter, because it gives the parent the chance to praise the effort even if it isn't done well at first and to help each other with techniques. Everyone gets a chance to do a chore they hate and that is good for the soul. "What a relief it will be next week when I go back to dish washing, this vacuuming sucks." About.com has some good information on this topic. http://housekeeping.about.com/od/involvingfamily/a/12tipschrcharts.htm
* as primary care giver to your home and if you aren't getting any good response to your requests for help, you have to choose your battles. Decide what you need to delegate and be firm and consistent about it. No need to get angry or upset, just stick to your guns. For example, with a calm, matter-of-fact tone say "I'm not going to continue doing your laundry. I will show you how to do it but I am not going to do your laundry any more." You will likely be drawn into a heated discussion on this but don't let that happen. End the conversation by walking away after you have made your statement. You've said what you needed to say. If the other person persists with "why" or makes excuses why they can't do it, don't be standing there for this person to address this to you. It's not your problem. Let the baby self of this person rant or whine, but they'll be doing it to thin air or to themselves. This baby self may need to have dirty laundry reach a crisis point before they get on board with doing their own laundry. You can help this come quicker by offering to show them how if they really don't know. Be careful not to demean or talk down to this person, even a full grown person can be "overwhelmed and feel uncertain" doing something they've never done before, especially if you've been doing it the whole time. This "overwhelmedness and uncertain feeling" can play out as timidity, ignoring it, indignation, combativeness, resentment or railing against the injustice of it all. Let it all wash past you. This is their baby self coming through so recognize it for what it is. Don't let it draw you into a war of words, you must be the calm, patient adult of this mini relationship event. Offer to do laundry together at first or offer to schedule each person their choice of laundry day or laundry time, but if you don't get cooperation you'll have to let their dirty laundry pile up. That sucks for you, but it is the cure. If you get half hearted cooperation, sincerely be vocally appreciative for that and you'll have to decide to just accept it or to insist on full cooperation. Make your statement, don't be drawn into a discussion you won't win, leave the others with your decision and stick to it, be willing to work with them toward your goal and be happy and helpful about it, but be clear on what will happen. Namely, you have delegated this chore to them and you aren't doing it anymore.
* big encouragement for small attempts generate enthusiasm for the next step especially if you have started teaching your kids to do chores early. For instance, praise them for matching up the socks with it in mind that eventually they will be doing their own laundry. Don't wait on teaching your child a new chore until you think your child can do it right. We learn what we practice. Present the chore as "I am going to show you how to do this." Encourage them to do what they can but be clear that the family needs them to keep trying till they get it. Try not to judge, just encourage and teach by demonstration. Don't just tell them to "figure it out". That's cruel, show them how you'd do it then once they learn your way, suggest they find their own way to get the same result.
*telling a kid to "clean his room" will not enable him to do it if he really doesn't know what that means. You will have to be really specific and first show them, then help them do it, then they will be able to do it themselves. This could take months but you knew that. Be really careful to not demean them if you've not gotten around to this earlier and you actually have a pretty big kid that you have to help clean up their room. Likely, they will resent like hell you even being in their room. At this point, you have to establish that "yes, this is your room and your privacy is something you want. If you want your privacy you have to earn it since your room still exists in "our" house." Set a rule, such as if any smell what so ever leaves their room and comes into the hallway, Mom is going to come in and throw out anything that stinks. Or, if the doors do not swing open the entire way or close entirely, Dad is going to come in and throw stuff away until the doors do open and close all the way. Doors do need to open and close the whole way or it is a safety hazard. I know a boy teen who snuck a teen girl up to his room for some teen sex. Mom found them out, called the girls' Mom and asked if her daughter is on birth control because she's having sex with my son. Then she took the door off of his bedroom. That's OK. The only thing a Parent can't do is withhold food as punishment, use physical or verbal violence or lock the child in or out. (there may be others but they've escaped me at present) The point is, you are the Parent and you get to make the rules. Their rule became if you are going to have sex you have to find a way to do it out there, not in "our" house. That will be your right once you are an adult and supporting yourself or making a substantial contribution to the financial upkeep of this household. She did return the door to his room for his 18th birthday as his only present and the joy and appreciation in his face was beautiful to behold.
* I'm big on safety first and if you have kids toys all over the floor and in the bathtub and you've been stepping over them this whole time, you have gotten used to a very unsafe environment. It's a safety hazard to have anything on the floor that can be tripped over, whether they be toys, electrical cords, clothes and shoes, etc. You are teaching your children that the world is full of material objects with no consequences attached. That is really irresponsible. The worst black eye I ever saw was on a mom's face after she tripped and fell in the night after getting her feet tangled up on a train set. Please, please, please don't let anyone set anything on the stairs. Imagine a fully geared fireman rushing into your own smoke filled house going from room to room to find your child. Is this fireman going to get through the whole house without being compromised by stuff in the way? Use this image as the inspiration for teaching your children to put their belongings where they belong and for you to teach by example and do the same. Make it clear that there is a place for everything and everything needs to be in it's place unless you are using it. When you are done, put it away. Make "if you don't take care of your stuff, you'll lose it" a promise to keep. It certainly will apply when they get out in the big world. If you don't keep up with the payments on your car it WILL be repossessed. If you don't keep up with the maintenance of your boat it WILL break down. If you can't take care of it, you shouldn't have it. Learning this the hard way is unnecessary if you start with the little things. Put your crayons back in the box and put the box of crayons where they go and they will always be there when you want them. No wasted time looking, no frustration wondering where they are. No big mess pulling everything out to find the #@(#ing crayons. If there are more things than there are places to put them the real problem is clutter that I will talk about around Spring Cleaning time. In the meantime do the best you can and hope you don't have a fire.
* Consider the vacuum cleaner to be a power tool, (which it is) and suggest to your teen that the vacuum is the gateway to the ultimate power tool, the family car. How they treat the vac will show the parents how they will treat the car. Do they slam it around with a bad attitude? Will they forget to change the bag or otherwise not maintain the machine? I thought this was a great idea when it occurred to me. You have to show them how to safely and effectively use and maintain this important piece of equipment so refer them to my blogs from the last week of December and the first two weeks of January where I went over why to vacuum and vacuuming technique in exquisite detail.
So, I guess that's enough for now. Cheezy peezy, it's almost 4 o'clock. It's taken me about 6 hours to get this post composed and typed. If there is even one piece of information here that improved the quality of life for anyone out there, then my goal was accomplished.
My next topic will be on cleaning chemistry. Don't miss it, it's really important.
Nice!
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